The good, the bad, and the uncomfortable

Ugh.

I’ve been going back and forth on this post for over a week. I feel like I’m an open book, but this makes things pretty personal, and I’ve had a hard time handling it. A lot of inner dialogue that I haven’t felt the need to have for many years. I apologize now if I ramble, I’m not exactly sure where all this will go....

I stopped weighing myself a long time ago. As in high school long ago. I’ve always been the “bigger” girl, even when I had a 6 pack and some pretty good looking legs, if I do say so myself. In the best shape of my life, I still weighed around 170. I fought hard in cheerleading to be first during the crazy workouts to show everyone that even if I wasn’t skinny, I could be strong. All those memes about wishing you were as fast as you were back when you thought you were fat? So me. Once I got out of the cheerleading world, my weight never bothered me. I lost a lot of muscle, and went up a size in clothes before I had Logan, but even after having five babies, I was only up two sizes since high school, I just carried it all a lot different. This past year of going through two IVF cycles, more so just adding the Lupron, I’ve gained more in a short amount of time. I’ve known that, but I was ok with it, knowing once I was pregnant and delivered, I’d be able to get it back down. The clinics that I worked with didn’t bring it up, and I really didn’t give it a second thought. I’m happy. I’m active. I didn’t feel like anything was holding me back from what I wanted to get out and do with my family. Obviously, not in the best shape I could be, but I owned my body and didn’t feel the need to justify it to anyone. I know my tummy won’t be fluffy forever.

And then I went to SanFran. And the dr had barely gotten his name out before he said, “Well, we have a problem.” And then told me my BMI was higher than what they are comfortable working with, and they’d have to talk to the parents to see if they wanted to try and move forward. The options being they’d have to take my case to the board, and would come back with three answers; a go ahead, a number I’d need to be at, or they wouldn’t work with me. The IM (Intended mom) was furious that we were put in that position at the clinic (they had all paperwork from the last two clinics, with all my stats), but was so understanding, as she has a four month old and had also gone through two rounds of IVF in the last year. She promised we’d get it figured out, and said if this clinic wouldn’t take me, or wasn’t reasonable with the number, they were open to finding a new one. So, we made the best out of the rest of the weekend, and kept in touch waiting to hear what the clinic responded with.

Yesterday, I got a call from my coordinator, that the clinic had come back with a number, but J and A had decided they want to find another surrogate. I had a hard few days when I first got back, mainly because I felt awful that something I had done, or hadn’t done?, was now affecting this family. I was frustrated that it wasn’t brought up even in passing that it was getting close to being an issue by anyone here, but hopeful that I’d found the perfect match and one way or another it would work out. But then I was dropped so easily. And it’s hard again. I’m sad. And frustrated again. And hurt. And I wish I could be mean and say the things I want to, but I can’t.

So. Yeah. I think this was more to help me work through it, and once I’m out of this fog, I’ll probably wish I hadn’t shared so much. But hey, I’m an open book, right?

On to find match #6.........