The first BIG moment

I didn't realize that I didn't update with the #peestickmadness (what O and I called the two weeks after transfer that we analyzed a dozen pee sticks daily to make sure this little embryo was growing strong!) Our first blood test we had an HCG level of 30, second was 308, third was 925, and last was 1908!! Our first sonogram was scheduled for yesterday, the 26th, which put me at exactly 6 weeks along. I was a little nervous we wouldn't be able to see a heart beat yet, since our first number was low and she might have taken a little longer to get snuggled in. I got to the clinic about 10:50 and E&O were waiting for me in the lobby. She is about ready for her egg retrieval for our sibling journey (so keep her in your prayers that they get lots of healthy eggs!) and had a checkup before mine. Our sono was scheduled for 11, so as soon as that time hit, we were READY to go. But we waited. And waited. And waited. Granted, twenty minutes isn't long in the grand scheme of things, but when it's for something this exciting, it felt like forever!!! Finally I got called back, and got situated in those fancy drapes, and then E&O came in, with the dr and sono tech right behind. The picture pulled up on the screen, and we were able to see the gestational sac and then THE SCREEN WENT BLANK!!!! I kid you not, the system rebooted with the camera all up in my business. Both parents work in IT so they said it was karma for them! But, still!!!!! So, we had to wait AGAIN for everything to get loaded up. Once it was working, they pulled up the picture of this itty bitty, 3.4mm, teeny tiny baby. I immediately got a little teary and turned to O and she was just staring at the screen. I thought maybe she was in shock, but then she said, "I don't see it!! Where is it? Where is it?????!!!!!" I turned back to the screen and the dr and tech zoomed in and put the cursor right on that flicker and then I heard a loud GASP and turned back to see O with her hands over her mouth and tears streaming down her face. That moment. Right there. That's why. Seeing her see her baby's heart beat for the first time EVER, after so much heartache. It was incredible. (I tried to type all this out yesterday, and it was still too raw for me. I'm teary again now!) This morning she texted that she was Rachel from Friends when she couldn't see the baby in the sonogram picture, and it made me laugh because I told Chris that same thing last night! I think we are all still in a bit of shock, but I was excited to hear last night that O was able to tell her mom ON HER BIRTHDAY(!!!!!!!) that she was going to be an Abuela! They live in Venezuela, but E's family is here and they're going to wait til I'm a little farther along to tell them.

So, yesterday was pretty awesome. I know I'll have a few other moments that are going to be pretty amazing, but I can't wait for the one when they get to hold this little firecracker in their arms.

Tomorrow!!!

One more sleep!!!!!

Tomorrow is transfer day!! Chris has been giving me progesterone shots since Thursday night, my last Lupron shot was Saturday, I have four estrogen patches that I change out every other day, and I take an estrogen pill every night. Thankfully no crazy vitamin regimen like last time. Just normal prenatals! Hopefully tonight I’ll be able to sleep. My friend Marie is picking me up at 10:30 and we have to check in at the clinic/transfer area at 11:15. Once there, I have to drink a LOT of water (it helps the dr to be able to see my uterus. I don’t know exactly why. Science.) After the procedure is done, I have to lay flat for awhile (which is the only hard part because my bladder is FULL) and then I can pee and go home to bed. For the 24 hours after, I can prop up to eat and get up to use the bathroom, but that’s about it. The next day or two I try to take it as easy as possible. I will have a blood draw on Thursday to check the estrogen and progesterone levels, but then I have to wait until the 12th for the official blood work for my HCG levels. However, I am impatient and will be taking tests at home. With the twins, we transferred on Thursday and I got a squinter on a test by Monday. I don’t think I can hold out until Saturday morning, so Friday night will start the POAS madness. (In surrogate speak that means Peeing On A Stick). My coordinator sent me a Transfer package with some dip ones, but I need to get out and grab some traditional First Response ones so I can analyze lines for hours. All part of the process!!

There’s lots of emotions going in to transfer day. It makes me more sad for the chemical transfer we had in October and the fear of that happening again. I will gladly take any and all prayers and good vibes and sticky thoughts that get sent my way! I’ll update with pee sticks! 

Ready..... Aim.....

I just gave myself my second-first shot of Lupron. Of course I worked myself all in a tizzy about it, and then I didn’t feel a thing. 🙄 Maybe one day I’ll learn.

The good thing is, it means we are officially on the countdown to transfer!! July 3rd has been mentioned for a few weeks, but I didn’t receive my calendar until yesterday, and they overnighted my meds, so it feels all kinds of crazy, but I’m so excited I’m FINALLY here again. I was introduced to this couple through my agency and was initially told their Dr. wouldn’t work with me. However, I busted my butt and stifled my sweet tooth, and finagled my way into an interview with their clinic. My charm and personality won him over  😉 He said I was “good stock”, so...... yeah. It was an interesting conversation, but hey, all that matters is I get to make this sweet couple a family. They live in Frisco but are originally from Venezuela. The husband has family here, but this baby would be the first on the wife’s side. They have one baby girl embryo and are planning for another egg retrieval for a sibling journey later on. She has had issues with fibroids for years and was told she couldn’t carry. We’ve already nicknamed this baby “Firecracker” and can’t wait to get her growing!!

Thankfully, this clinic is quite a bit calmer on the med protocol. I will inject Lupron every morning until 6/30, I start estrogen patches on the 14th, and progesterone shots on the 28th and will continue those and the patches until I’m 10-12 weeks along and am released to my OB to treat this like it was my own pregnancy. That puts my due date at mid-March! Which for me means early March since I’ve never made it past 37 weeks, but she may have different plans and hang out longer. We shall see!

The good, the bad, and the uncomfortable

Ugh.

I’ve been going back and forth on this post for over a week. I feel like I’m an open book, but this makes things pretty personal, and I’ve had a hard time handling it. A lot of inner dialogue that I haven’t felt the need to have for many years. I apologize now if I ramble, I’m not exactly sure where all this will go....

I stopped weighing myself a long time ago. As in high school long ago. I’ve always been the “bigger” girl, even when I had a 6 pack and some pretty good looking legs, if I do say so myself. In the best shape of my life, I still weighed around 170. I fought hard in cheerleading to be first during the crazy workouts to show everyone that even if I wasn’t skinny, I could be strong. All those memes about wishing you were as fast as you were back when you thought you were fat? So me. Once I got out of the cheerleading world, my weight never bothered me. I lost a lot of muscle, and went up a size in clothes before I had Logan, but even after having five babies, I was only up two sizes since high school, I just carried it all a lot different. This past year of going through two IVF cycles, more so just adding the Lupron, I’ve gained more in a short amount of time. I’ve known that, but I was ok with it, knowing once I was pregnant and delivered, I’d be able to get it back down. The clinics that I worked with didn’t bring it up, and I really didn’t give it a second thought. I’m happy. I’m active. I didn’t feel like anything was holding me back from what I wanted to get out and do with my family. Obviously, not in the best shape I could be, but I owned my body and didn’t feel the need to justify it to anyone. I know my tummy won’t be fluffy forever.

And then I went to SanFran. And the dr had barely gotten his name out before he said, “Well, we have a problem.” And then told me my BMI was higher than what they are comfortable working with, and they’d have to talk to the parents to see if they wanted to try and move forward. The options being they’d have to take my case to the board, and would come back with three answers; a go ahead, a number I’d need to be at, or they wouldn’t work with me. The IM (Intended mom) was furious that we were put in that position at the clinic (they had all paperwork from the last two clinics, with all my stats), but was so understanding, as she has a four month old and had also gone through two rounds of IVF in the last year. She promised we’d get it figured out, and said if this clinic wouldn’t take me, or wasn’t reasonable with the number, they were open to finding a new one. So, we made the best out of the rest of the weekend, and kept in touch waiting to hear what the clinic responded with.

Yesterday, I got a call from my coordinator, that the clinic had come back with a number, but J and A had decided they want to find another surrogate. I had a hard few days when I first got back, mainly because I felt awful that something I had done, or hadn’t done?, was now affecting this family. I was frustrated that it wasn’t brought up even in passing that it was getting close to being an issue by anyone here, but hopeful that I’d found the perfect match and one way or another it would work out. But then I was dropped so easily. And it’s hard again. I’m sad. And frustrated again. And hurt. And I wish I could be mean and say the things I want to, but I can’t.

So. Yeah. I think this was more to help me work through it, and once I’m out of this fog, I’ll probably wish I hadn’t shared so much. But hey, I’m an open book, right?

On to find match #6.........

Fifth time’s the charm....

Well, it’s been awhile. 

Sadly, neither of the two little embryos we transferred were healthy enough to grow. I had some very faint lines on the tests I took, but in the end it was a chemical pregnancy. Even knowing it was a long shot with the quality of the embryos, hearing that I wasn’t pregnant was a lot harder to take than I expected it to be. Thankfully, the couple was very comforting and at peace with it all, so that helped. They are hoping to be a support for my next journey!

In November I had an appointment with a new couple at a new clinic, but in January they decided not to move forward with everything. It was frustrating after going through the initial process all over again, but afterwards I was able to see that it was probably for the best!

On that note......

I am matched again (#5 😬) with a super sweet couple from San Francisco. They have lots of family in the DFW area, so even though they aren’t technically local, they visit here frequently! A&J have a three month old little boy that she was able to carry via IVF. She had some health issues that made pregnancy pretty rough, and ended up delivering baby T early, which caused a rare respritory distress syndrome and he had to spend some time in the NICU. Her doctors told her another pregnancy wouldn’t be safe for her or the baby, and since they want their kiddos close together, they are ready to go!! They have three girl embryos, but are just hoping for one sister for T and plan to donate the remaining embryos. J and I text daily and are both really excited for the connection we seem to have already. Yesterday we booked my flight out for next week to get my screening done at their clinic in SanFran, and they’re taking me around the area. I’ve never been and she’s already planned our meals and it all sounds delicious and I can’t wait!! Hopefully, I will only be required to fly out one more time for the transfer, but I’m hoping to be able to take the boys out there at some point! 

I’ll update again after my trip, but if there’s any must see or do’s you feel like sharing, let me know!!

Transfer!!

We made it to transfer day!!!

I have been so nervous about today. Mainly because of how unsure everyone was about the quality of the embryos, and there was a good chance that when they thawed, we'd find out they weren't viable. I was hoping to sleep in, but helped get the boys off to school, so then I had almost three hours of just sitting around and waiting. Not my best plan. Thankfully SVU was on so that helped distract a little. My transfer buddy, Marie, and I headed out a little after 10 and made really good time to Dallas. L and S were there when we came in and we headed into the office together. Thankfully we didn't have to wait too long before I went back for bloodwork and to get suited up. 

Back story: I was telling Logan and Oliver a few days ago about what was going to happen and after reminding Oliver about what exactly I was doing he said, "So, you're like a penguin?! You just keep the baby warm?" 😍 So, I thought it was fitting that when I was told to bring fuzzy socks to wear in the room, I bought ones with penguins on them. (And I had on my lucky underwear and Marvel sweats cause well, ya know.)

After I got the gown on, L was able to come back with me and Marie and S hung out in the waiting area. I was hoping they could come back during the wait period, but that didn't work out. I was given a Valium to relax and we waited for the update from the embryologist. I was hopeful since we hadn't heard anything yet, that there was at least one healthy embryo ready for us. We were lucky and there were two!!! The third wasn't expected to grow and we got confirmation of that this afternoon. It's a little sad knowing there won't be a sibling journey, but I'm so thankful we have a chance with these. They aren't super high quality, but that doesn't mean they can't grow to healthy babies! The procedure itself was pretty quick. Forceps, catheter, and we could see the little bubbles pop up on the screen. I had to lay still for 30 minutes and L and I got some time to chat. She shared more details about everything that had brought them to that room, and we are both trying to put it in God's hands and know that he's got it all figured out already. She sent me a picture that said, "Pray. Relax. Let go. And let God take over." I'm trying to remember that! 
Now I'm home, waiting for dinner to be brought to me. (There are a few things that aren't SO bad on bed rest.) And we've started the countdown until Monday/Tuesday when I'm going to take a pregnancy test. The official one won't be until October 2nd, but hopefully we'll have some exciting news before then! 

Meds Update

I am finally down to my last week of Lupron. And yes, everyone was right, the shot itself wasn't bad at all. There were a few times I would itch or burn at the injection site, but most of the time, I don't even feel the needle go in! HOWEVER, holy cow, if I don't have coffee or some kind of caffeine, I have a raging headache the rest of the day. I hardly ever get headaches and do not handle them well. I will be so glad when I'm done with it. Even though the very next night I start the progesterone shots. 😒 yay. I've also started estrogen patches, two at first and now I'm at four. I'll be up to 6 by the end of this week, so if you see me out and about sobbing, it's probably nothing major, I may have just dropped my chapstick. 

Last Friday I had an appointment at the clinic to check my lining in my uterus to make sure it was thickening up. The dr wants it at a certain millimeter of thickness for optimum implantation. I have one more check this Friday and then the following week is TRANSFER!!! I'm so excited it's finally close. It will be almost eleven months since we've started this process again and I'm ready for my uterus to be occupied again. With someone I don't have to feed when they come out. 😊 

When we went to dinner a few weeks back with the parents, L was unsure if she wanted to be at the transfer. With everything they've been through, she had some reservations about this and the heartbeat confirmation. Which, I completely understand. But, I was excited to hear that she wants to come to the transfer! I'm still not sure if I need to find a transfer buddy... Chris will be home with Ben, and I'm not allowed to drive myself home and with L on the opposite side of DFW from us, I don't know if it makes sense for her to pick me up and bring me home.... if anyone wants to be a backup transfer buddy, let me know! It's not too exciting, a lot of waiting, but any moral support is appreciated! 

So for now I continue these last few Lupron shots, my prenatal, the estrogen patches, Vitamin D, and CoQ10 supplements. Next Sunday I start progesterone shots and suppositories, another round of doxycycline, and Medrol. Besides some soreness from the shot, those meds will be easy peasy. The only hard part coming up will be surviving the FOUR DAYS of bedrest. I've found two books to read (although I started The Handmaid's Tale today and will try to not finish it before next week), a few seasons of Call the Midwife, and I'm sure I'll watch Moana a handful of times with Ben! Surprisingly, we have no activities scheduled for that weekend, which I'm not sure is a good or bad thing for Chris! 

Please keep those little embryos in your prayers, that they'll be healthy and viable when the clinic thaws them out, and they'll snuggle in tight!